My Apology Fantasy

I have an ongoing fantasy that all who have wronged me will come to their senses, learn from their mistakes, and apologize. I acknowledge this as a fantasy because I’m very aware of the reality. The difficult reality to swallow, is that it’s rare for someone who has deeply injured another, to take the responsibility needed to create proper healing for all involved. It’s a common human reaction to run from discomfort, and owning up to our transgressions is uncomfortable, if not terrifying.

Apologies do exist. Introspective people who strive to be their best selves, are out there. But this isn’t about doing the right thing when we wrong someone, this is about being on the other end, and how to rise above.

I go through the motions of an apology in my head as part of my healing and acceptance process. We can’t force someone to take responsibility and apologize for their actions, and really, we don’t want to. Apologies don’t have the same affect if they are not genuine and from a space of peace and a desire to heal.

Take to healing as though the apology is never coming. Don’t wait for it. Don’t expect it. Don’t need it. This is where the fantasy kicks in for me. If I can create the moment in my head, I can capture the feeling I get when I’ve received the closure I desire. This in turn raises my vibration and I can find balance, moving away from my grief.

Own your healing. Closure would come much easier if those who hurt us, offered us what we needed to let go. We are dealing with a part of life that we can’t control and that lack of control can be overwhelming. The apology and closure we often crave, will never happen and we have to find ways to move past the pain on our own. It is our responsibility to find the healing that what works for us. We have to own our own healing, no one else will do it for us.

Anger is only a transformation of our grief. Move past the anger and get to the source of what you’re feeling. Anger is blanket emotion and only tops the many layers of the truth. Its a reaction not a resolution. Getting angry is part of the process, but stay in the moment without action, and allow it to quickly pass. You can do this by knowing it’s not real. It’s not the you that desires a calm storm, it’s ego.

At the end of the day, we must know our worth in a way that supersedes all else.

I’ve encountered many blows to my heart, my ego, and my soul. Things that have built and layered in a way that I struggle to not question my value each time something goes wrong. It’s been a journey to look past my initial thought of worthlessness and remember that my worth is established only by me. The value I put on others opinions or actions is up to me. The practice of self-love and looking inward for worth, is a daily act. Consciously and with intent, I have to evaluate my feelings and remind myself of my fire and purpose in this life. It does not, and never will, revolve around what others feel or how they act towards me.

My journey is mine to own, in all of its completeness. 



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